Hans van der Kamp

Quite some time ago I stopped celebrating birthdays with the exception of my 50th, two years ago, when I invited a random group of people from the neighborhood bar. I must say that was one of the best birthdays ever. Perhaps it is better to celebrate with a group of strangers.

A year before that I was moving from one apartment to another, like I have done about 20 times in my life and before I left I filled out this postal form to have my mail forwarded to the new address. I had forgotten about the fact that there was another person in the old building carrying the same last name “Van der Kamp”. She was not related to me in any way, but within days I was receiving both her mail and mine on my new address. I apologized in all sincerity and started hand delivering her mail.

That was not enough, of course. The woman kept calling me with her screechy demanding voice, terrified as she was about the possibility that her partner would find out about her little adventures. Without hesitation I took the initiative to cancel the mail forwarding service. It took three months before the bureaucrats of the postal services actually effectuated the change. All these months my phone kept ringing, mostly very early in the morning.

So, when I was finally ready to send out cards to family and friends to inform them of my new address, I was so sick and tired with the whole concept of mail that I decided not to do so. Within weeks I slowly started to relax; it felt really good not to be bothered with mail sent by institutions, companies and – worst of all – people who ring your doorbell just when you are really not ready to entertain. It was such a success that I also changed and unlisted both my phone numbers.

A year later I moved in with Karin/Tangiers and there was a problem with the apartment which prevented me from officially living there, so I lost my registration in the city archives of Amsterdam. Formally I do not exist any more. Urgent messages still reach me through the Internet and if I have missed a few; I think I can live with that.

Have you ever tried not to exist? I would like to recommend it, if only for a year or two. The people who care have long found a way to contact me and the rest simply evaporated and with them a lot of obligations. It is a good test to get to know who your friends are.

Two of the most important people in my life were suddenly gone with the wind and that was tough and confusing, but at the same time my perspective changed. I learned that – within reasonable limits – we can be as charming or as obnoxious as we please. Most people are way too involved with their own objectives to even notice the difference. They see you as they see themselves. If they are not to be trusted; they will not trust you. If friendships have no real meaning to them, they will expect you to act accordingly. It is quite shallow, but very easy to deal with.

There are a few people I do miss, like F. for instance with whom I have fought so many stupid battles in the past. She is also celebrating her birthday on the 17th. I hope she has forgiven me as I have forgiven her. Hopefully one day we can look back on our mistakes without suppressing the good times — or to at least greet each other politely on the sidewalk. F. always liked a stiff drink, so I will drink to her health, hoping she is doing fine.

There is one thing I can count on; these lost friends will thoroughly enjoy the fact that they can skip my birthday, because I am a lousy host. In the beginning of the evening I am always happy to see all these gleaming faces around me, but after a few drinks I start playing music in a very egocentric fashion. Unlike some of my friends I am not into “high culture” when it comes to music. I am more drawn towards the corny stuff.

After a few songs, the first visitors start to find excuses to leave early. Maybe in a subconscious way that is what I want; that they will leave the party before I really get sentimental about life in general.

Especially for those who are absent in real life but who persist in visiting this blog for reasons beyond my imagination, I have compiled a webcast (mp3) with The Best of The Worst Birthday Songs.

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